Well maybe nothin' lasts forever even when you stay together

So I guess the time has come to bring up Billy. Ohhhh Billy. He is the never ending relationship. Our "thing" has been going on on and off since our sophomore year of college. and still, no resolution in sight. i have tried to walk away more times that i can count.

but, big tilda secret here, i am secretly terrified of being alone for the rest of my life. my family is pretty much the most important thing to me, and one day having my own family has always been important to me. Billy was the first guy that I ever dated, and really is the only guy that I have ever dated. Not to sound slutty or anything, but I have hooked up with lots of other guys, but none that I was really in a relationship with. So part of me is really terrified that if I walk away for good that will be it.

And yes, I know in my head that that is ridiculous, but I don't know. I can't explain it. It just is.

So anyway, last summer we broke up for good. He sent me this really mean email to my work (email!! after 4 years??) basically just saying how he never really was sure if he loved me etc. At work? How rude is that. So anyway, I tried really hard to stay away. And anytime I felt like wavering I would re-read the email and all of my hurt and anger would come back. But then after about 2 months he started calling me in the middle of the night and all this stuff.

And so, of course, we began talking again. I am weak, what can I say? But I really just was trying to be friends with him. I really didn't want to be in a relationship again. however, while I wasn't in a relationship with him, I couldn't move past him either, and by christmas time we had drifted back to where we were. and nothing had changed. and there were a lot of problems but those are another post.

so anyway, a couple of weeks ago we were talking on the phone, and we got into an argument. about something! I don't even remember what it was cause I (clearly) didn't think it was that important!! But, apparently he did. And so he hung up on me. And so now we have not spoken for three weeks. 3 weeks!!! He hung up on me? So he should be the one to call? am i right??

So anyway, after two weeks of nothing, I basically came to the executive decision that the relationship was over? Was this the right decision? Who knows. But it felt right to me, and I'm trying to stick to it. But its so hard!!! oh my god. i am trying to take it one day at a time. And I think its the right thing to do, but I just want some closure. is that too much to ask??