I even fell for that stupid love song

Ok so last night I called him.

I couldn’t help it. Ah! It was valentine’s day eve and I was facing a very lonely valentine’s day, and I just wanted to know what happened!!

Why did he just decide to stop talking to me? I can’t just leave this hanging for the rest of my life!! And as he was obviously NOT going to call me I took it upon myself to stalk call him.

And yea, it did not go well. I feel like we all could have predicted THAT. Basically he said that I didn’t understand, it wasn’t just “one thing I did” there is a whole lot of stuff that we really should talk about. But he just doesn’t have time to. So could I leave him alone, he is very busy.

AWESOME. Way to make yourself a total pathetic loser there tilda.

So anyway, I at least have my shield of hurt confused anger back in place that will hopefully keep me away from the phone for a couple of weeks.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!!

Although C. and B. did give me some candy at work today. I love them!

turn around and walk away...pretending I don't love you

This is so hard. A thousand times a day my hand goes to my phone to see if he has called. A thousand times I bring his number up in my phone forcing myself not to hit send, just staring at his number. A thousand times I check my email to see if there is anything from him.

I know this is the right thing to do. It is right for me. He hasn't gotten in touch with me. I feel like I am always the one to smooth things over and fix what's wrong. I need to be strong. If I matter to him, he would have made some attempt to get in touch with me. If he wanted this, he would have given me a sign. Running after him would only make me disappointed in myself.

This is so hard. But I miss him so much.

Last night, I met a guy on the dance floor and I let him call me baby

ok, so can I preface this post by saying, yes, I know it makes me sound slightly slutty, but whatever. I'm not. So it's okay.

I am SO sick. I hate being sick. And I hate being sick when (if I had just had a little common sense) I could have just prevented it.

I was out on saturday night, and a combination of events lead me to make out with this random boy in a bar. On the dance floor. In front of the several hundred people in the bar with me. Yup, we made out, then he turned to say something to his friend and I walked away.

Yes, never really a classy move. Especially when you have a) never met before and b) have no idea what his name is. But more importantly c) when he is a slobbery (ew!) kisser and gives you the worst freaking cold ever.

Boy-in-bar-in-philly I HATE YOU!! This was not the week when I needed a cold. I don't have enough stress in my life sheesh. And I could feel it lurking ever since his slobbery kiss, getting a little worse each day, until today. Bam. Friday. Runny nose, sore throat, headache. Yuck.

I am so mad.

So I was upset that Billy and I had passed the three week mark in no communication and apparenly our relationship was over. Would a little closure be too much to ask for? Apparently. And I knew I was going out with my friends, and I made a determined effort to have fun that night. I didn't take my phone out (drunken calls/texts are even more terrible of an idea than random make outs). I put Billy out of my head. I didn't want to be the drunk girl messily crying over some boy. So apparently my brain translated this into me becoming the drunk girl randomly making out with some boy on the dance floor. And also, all of my friends have fairly steady boyfriends, and yes, I am slightly jealous of their normal, drama free relationships. And a little upset that I no longer have someone to go home to. But is that any reason to go searching for the one germy boy in the room?? (and I'm not saying he looked germy, I do have some standards--he at least appeared to be showered).

All I'm saying--the next time I go out drinking, send me out with some airborne to ward off any slobbery mystery kissers.

Well maybe nothin' lasts forever even when you stay together

So I guess the time has come to bring up Billy. Ohhhh Billy. He is the never ending relationship. Our "thing" has been going on on and off since our sophomore year of college. and still, no resolution in sight. i have tried to walk away more times that i can count.

but, big tilda secret here, i am secretly terrified of being alone for the rest of my life. my family is pretty much the most important thing to me, and one day having my own family has always been important to me. Billy was the first guy that I ever dated, and really is the only guy that I have ever dated. Not to sound slutty or anything, but I have hooked up with lots of other guys, but none that I was really in a relationship with. So part of me is really terrified that if I walk away for good that will be it.

And yes, I know in my head that that is ridiculous, but I don't know. I can't explain it. It just is.

So anyway, last summer we broke up for good. He sent me this really mean email to my work (email!! after 4 years??) basically just saying how he never really was sure if he loved me etc. At work? How rude is that. So anyway, I tried really hard to stay away. And anytime I felt like wavering I would re-read the email and all of my hurt and anger would come back. But then after about 2 months he started calling me in the middle of the night and all this stuff.

And so, of course, we began talking again. I am weak, what can I say? But I really just was trying to be friends with him. I really didn't want to be in a relationship again. however, while I wasn't in a relationship with him, I couldn't move past him either, and by christmas time we had drifted back to where we were. and nothing had changed. and there were a lot of problems but those are another post.

so anyway, a couple of weeks ago we were talking on the phone, and we got into an argument. about something! I don't even remember what it was cause I (clearly) didn't think it was that important!! But, apparently he did. And so he hung up on me. And so now we have not spoken for three weeks. 3 weeks!!! He hung up on me? So he should be the one to call? am i right??

So anyway, after two weeks of nothing, I basically came to the executive decision that the relationship was over? Was this the right decision? Who knows. But it felt right to me, and I'm trying to stick to it. But its so hard!!! oh my god. i am trying to take it one day at a time. And I think its the right thing to do, but I just want some closure. is that too much to ask??